


Summer breeze and winter cold

by patwrites



Series: Tumblr dump [3]
Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, Insecure Bucky Barnes, Insecurity, Love Confessions, M/M, Near Death Experiences, Originally Posted on Tumblr, and an even better psychologist, sam is a good bro
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-08
Updated: 2018-09-08
Packaged: 2019-07-08 12:01:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,430
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15930026
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/patwrites/pseuds/patwrites
Summary: "For Buck, love had been careless, easy, something akin to a light summer's breeze. (...) These days, James didn't feel love the same way he had a lifetime ago."





	Summer breeze and winter cold

Before the war, before HYDRA, before everything, Bucky had thought he knew what love was. For him, the him of a happier time, of a time where the hardest thing to go through had been watching Stevie mourn the loss of his mother and the worst crime was someone robbing Mrs. Kelly in plain daylight, love was the tender touch of his mother when she cleaned his wounds after getting into another fight on Steve's behalf. Love had been a frail body with a big mouth, unable to go one day without stirring something up and ending up in a dumpster. For Buck, love had been careless, easy, something akin to a light summer's breeze. Bucky had thought love was that pretty dame on 9th Street making gooey eyes at him, or the fine fella frequenting Uncle John's bodega. At some point, though now it seemed like light years away, love had been a pair of fierce, blue eyes, blond hair and stubbornness to rival a mule's.

These days, James didn't feel love the same way he had a lifetime ago. He supposed it was only fitting, since Bucky and James were two completely different people, with different lives, memories, experiences. Nowadays, James understood what true love really was and the harsh realities of it.

Love was a winter's icy, biting cold, snow falling on his already swollen lips and chilling him to the bone. It was also the warm fire he stood next to trying to warm up that occasionally reached out and licked at his hands, leaving a red trail behind so that he would know love had been there. It was a pair of warm, brown eyes, it was chapped lips, it was oil and grease stained clothes, it was biting sarcasm and kindness so big it was impossible to think one person contained it all.

Love wasn't easy anymore for James. It was suffering, watching the man he loves with sadness in his eyes, wanting nothing more than to be by his side, but choosing not to. It was pushing him away or simply not approaching him, because he knows that his presence in his life would only bring him unhappiness.

Sam had told him once that keeping all that inside would kill him. His friend had advised James to come clean, confess, and be done with it.

_"Tony has the right to know," Sam had said. "The worst that could happen is he rejects you and things are awkward for a while until you put it behind you."_

But how could James handle seeing his love watch him with disgust in his eyes and hatred on his tongue? How could he put Tony through knowing that his parents' murderer was in love with him? James had already messed up Tony's life enough as it were, he didn't need to go and do this as well.

And so he stayed quiet. He watched Tony from afar with longing in his eyes and yearning in his heart, but kept his distance as much as possible. He'd already constructed a plan in his head, had decided everything. Except he never counted on the possibility of watching Tony on the brink of death.

"Tony!"

"No! Mr. Stark!"

"Oh god, is Stark alright?"

"Hulk SMASH!"

James watched Tony fall from a 30 story building, suit incapacitated and unable to fly him away, and land on the ground harshly. His heart was hammering in his chest, pounding fists on his ribcage, but he was frozen. Everyone was rushing at Tony, already pulling his armor apart, yelling at him to stay conscious, but James could only watch it unfold before his eyes, rooted to the spot. It felt like a bucket of water had been thrown on him, like he was watching everything from behind a curtain, or a bubble. He couldn't hear properly, he couldn't see properly and it felt like his lungs would soon give out.

"Go to him. Now is not the time to panic," Sam pulled him out with a startling hand on his shoulder. James turned to the right and looked at him.

"I can't."

"Yes, you can. You just don't want to. What if-" Sam's voice broke, "what if something happens to him? You'll regret it for the rest of your life. Go.to.him."

James sighed, rubbed a hand over his face and nodded. He reached Tony with unsure steps, then crouched down beside him.

Tony was fully out of the armor now, but his arm was bent at an odd angle. He was awake, thankfully, but only barely and numerous cuts and bruises were littering his body, but James' concern was his spine.

"Can you feel your arms, legs?" he asked.

"Yeah. F.R.I.D.A.Y. managed to do a scan before going off completely, nothing serious is broken," Tony replied with a groan, voice hoarse. His tone was hesitant though.

"Is there something you're not telling me?"

Tony didn't reply.

"Tony? Answer me. Are you neglecting to tell me something?" James pressed.

"I think I hit my head pretty hard. Internal bleeding could be a possibility though I'm not sure, F.R.I.D.A.Y. didn't manage to find out. I'm just very tired right now, James."

"Don't you dare close your eyes, Tony. You're staying awake until help is here, you hear me?" James raised his voice, panic overtaking his body. Tony was beginning to have difficulties keeping his eyes open, struggling to open them after they went down.

"Trying," Tony slurred.

"No! Don't close them, Tony! You hear me? You can't! Not now. I'm not losing you too, not now when I finally have the courage to say I fucking love you!"

James didn't know if Tony heard him because his eyes were already closed and his breathing shallow. A helicopter arrived shortly after and put Tony on a stretcher before taking him to Dr. Cho. James didn't waste any time and left immediately to be there when Tony needed him. It didn't even matter if he remembered what James had said and rejected him, so long as he was alive to do it.

It took Dr. Cho an hour to operate on Tony and fix whatever was wrong with him. That'd been the longest hour of James' life. Steve and Sam came to check up on him a few times, but they left quickly when it was clear he wouldn't stop pacing around. Then when James felt like he was going to punch a wall to release his anxiety, Dr. Cho came out of the operation room and greeted him.

"How is he? Is he alright?"

"He is fine, Mr. Barnes," Dr. Cho answered. "He is waking up now. You can go see him after the nurse takes him to his room, but I don't know how coherent he'll be just now."

"Thank you," James told her then hurried after the nurse wheeling Tony further down the hallway to an empty room.

He helped get Tony settled on the bed then sat down on a chair close to his bed.

"How are you feeling?" he asked.

"Never been better," Tony replied. "Why, were you worried?" The way he asked it made James feel uneasy, like it was said with meaning.

"Of course, you're my teammate, Tony."

"Oh cut the crap, Barnes. I may be drugged off my ass but I'm not stupid, don't insult me."

"So you heard."

"I did. Wanna tell me why it took you me almost dying to tell me?"

"I...I didn't want to inconvenience you," James trailed his eyes to the ground, shame filling him. How could he have ever thought this was a good idea?

"You're lucky I'm too high to form a coherent argument right now," Tony said and fumbled around until he took hold of James' hand to squeeze it. James looked up in surprise and saw Tony grinning at him like a child.

"We'll talk about this more seriously after I sleep. Just know that you could never inconvenience me, even if you wanted to."

Tony smiled one more time then closed his eyes while holding James' hand close to his chest. His breathing regulated almost instantly and he fell asleep with a smile on his face. James couldn't help the one slowly forming on his own, and he settled back in the chair, making himself comfortable.

He thought he could feel a slight summer breeze brushing against him as he watched Tony turning in bed without letting go of his hand, if anything holding onto it harder.

**Author's Note:**

> Imported from tumblr! Feedback is welcome.
> 
> @armoredavengers on tumblr :)


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